[warning:i am sorry if this post seems bleak.]
hmmm.. one can look at the beauty in life, and feel so profoundly moved.. but..
this is not the case when it comes to exploring the depths of the mind.. for whatever reasons the mind just doesn't feel the same things..
sadness. bleakness. dejection. listlessness.
this is not a product of my crazy mind getting into the 'despondency mode'. its something that i've long believed in.
if one does not realize how unhappy one can get, one can never really become happy.
make sense ?
its something that i've skimmed over in past blogs.. and something that people who've read don't really like.
but then no-one ever likes seeing the deepest, darkest feelings reflected in black and white in front of them.
not even i.
then why ?
catharsis. to get it out of the system.
these feelings can only be understood when one feels completely alone in the world. when one decides to stop running from it all.
when one decides to stop running from oneself.
there was a comment on a previous blog that referred to 'happiness as being the lack of sadness'. its a very valid point. but i still stick with mine.
take a simple example.
as a kid we've had fun. or at least i think we all classify those days as fun.
but did you call it fun then?
and now, now that you know what life can be, what deals life can give you; you call them fun.
it's a very simple thing, i've referred to it earlier as well, though.
i'm trying to delve my mind.. exorcise the sadness by facing it. exorcise the fear that i've had.
but will they ever go away ?
anxiety. for the people you are not with. for those you love.
sadness. of distance. from those you love.
fear. of failure. of not living up to the expectations of those who matter most.
worry. of whether what one has done is right or wrong.
despondency. when you could have done something. but didn't.
cowardice. when it comes to the life of your dearest ones.
terror. of death. of the ones near and dear.
and so many many more… ones i cannot face for the dread that they will come true if i imagine them.
do these ever go away ? do these ever stop plaguing the mind ? can they stop bothering the human in us ?
will they stop tormenting us during the night ? when one cannot sleep..
when one suffocates – even in the fresh air.
when one wants to curl up into a ball and cry one's heart out.
the tears don't come.
people have come up with many solutions for these. prayer. religion. thankfulness. celebrations.
but do they really help ?
i really do not know at this point. i can but hope. and wonder.
and wish that the answer will come. and work.