hmmm.. i talked of devils of the mind. such devils that i have to fight. that i have to conquer, so i can live.
i do not know if peace is part of the bargain. the biggest problem is that peace has never really been part of my psyche for some time. each time, every time, they rear back up. as it goes – “each time i thought i got out, they simply pull me back in”.
interestingly, this manifests itself in so many ways.
regret. random events. decisions made. failures. successes. paths taken. paths not taken. choice. the only apparent way out.
they all seem to come together at times. they all seem to mount. why didn't i do it that way at that time ? why did i not do this ? did i really achieve something at that point ? how did anything i have done make a difference to whom? to what ? what if..?
if. the worlds longest story. a life's shortest lament.
it is all part of the game that the mind plays. the constant tormet, the burning agony of events that could have been different. the pain of knowing parts of life could have changed, if not for what was done.
what you feel when you know that you could have done better, you could have been different. but wasn't. but didn't.
at that point when it happened, you say – “what's done is done. for the best. it'll all work out.”
but at the end of it all, when you suddenly get hit by realizations, you feel that heavy heart that tells you that you know.
but for you, your own life could have been different.
the sweet pangs of anguish at chances lost start.
can one ever really vanquish this ?
a small note – i am going into parts of my head that i don't reveal. haven't revealed. i am trying to bare the soul in an effort to get to the problem. or problems. there are dark things here, that i haven't talked about except in indirect circular ways. ever. its not an easy jouney, and not one that everyone is going to enjoy.
i have not been dropping around blogs as regularly, putting it down to work, to commitments is not my style. to me, you always make time for things that matter. i was trying to figure out what to do. whether to go down one path or another. that meant that others were kept on a slight hold. i am still not sure, and am wondering if some things are better done privately rather than publicly.
why am i doing it here ? somehow, when i put it down here, i am not facing it alone, it makes a difference. its better than a diary that i alone read. and probably brood over more.
that is not just another ranting blog of a person who is kinda screwed in the head.
but then who isn't ?