hmmm.. i talked of devils of the mind. such devils that i have to fight. that i have to conquer, so i can live.

i do not know if peace is part of the bargain. the biggest problem is that peace has never really been part of my psyche for some time. each time, every time, they rear back up. as it goes – “each time i thought i got out, they simply pull me back in”.

interestingly, this manifests itself in so many ways.
regret. random events. decisions made. failures. successes. paths taken. paths not taken. choice. the only apparent way out.
they all seem to come together at times. they all seem to mount. why didn't i do it that way at that time ? why did i not do this ? did i really achieve something at that point ? how did anything i have done make a difference to whom? to what ? what if..?

if. the worlds longest story. a life's shortest lament.

it is all part of the game that the mind plays. the constant tormet, the burning agony of events that could have been different. the pain of knowing parts of life could have changed, if not for what was done.
what you feel when you know that you could have done better, you could have been different. but wasn't. but didn't.
at that point when it happened, you say – “what's done is done. for the best. it'll all work out.”

but at the end of it all, when you suddenly get hit by realizations, you feel that heavy heart that tells you that you know.

but for you, your own life could have been different.
the sweet pangs of anguish at chances lost start.

can one ever really vanquish this ?

a small note – i am going into parts of my head that i don't reveal. haven't revealed. i am trying to bare the soul in an effort to get to the problem. or problems. there are dark things here, that i haven't talked about except in indirect circular ways. ever. its not an easy jouney, and not one that everyone is going to enjoy.
i have not been dropping around blogs as regularly, putting it down to work, to commitments is not my style. to me, you always make time for things that matter. i was trying to figure out what to do. whether to go down one path or another. that meant that others were kept on a slight hold. i am still not sure, and am wondering if some things are better done privately rather than publicly.

why am i doing it here ? somehow, when i put it down here, i am not facing it alone, it makes a difference. its better than a diary that i alone read. and probably brood over more.

that is not just another ranting blog of a person who is kinda screwed in the head.

but then who isn't ?


9 thoughts on “rue

  1. Just remember you never have to travel alone unless you make that choice there are others who are willing to travel with you unless you shut us out. We care and we want to be with you on this travel by your side not in front of you and not behind you but beside you holding your hand to prevent that stumble…so just hold on when it gets rough for I am here my friend for there are times life might not be so good but reach out to your friends you have several here for just have to allow us to be here for you..

  2. Bubba

    Sev my good friend. I know some what of what you mean of demons. You know my history. If I did. Is the most confusing thing to do. It is not if. It is ok now I done that, What do I do now. Or here it comes again will I want to do that again? The past is in the past. The moment is now. Choose to either learn from the past and act on it now, or repeat the lessons again.

  3. Simply put, it sounds like you are thinking entirely too much about the situations, over analyzing, and in fact getting lost in the what’s if and how come’s and why not’s that you are forgetting to live life. And yes i’ve been victim to this too. My advice to you, take a second to think about the good things in your life, stuff as simple as being able to eat a favorite meal or have a bed to sleep in.

    You’ll be just fine!

  4. Shanti

    Hi Satish,

    Yes bubbal is write, its been while since you last posted. bubbal he is fine I keep talking to him very often on phone. He is just fine but bsy with his term work.But Satish we miss your blog very much. Take some time off from your work and write so that you will be relaxed.

    Take care,


    your dear


  5. SEV

    @Vickie: i realized that when i posted this and.. i realized that no-one is alone, ever. You are all here for me: that is enough for me to know, so i won’t stumble. thanks for the words, i don’t think i can say how they did affect me.

    @sarah: yeah, its a theory i had too.. only i think my brand of lemonade was too bitter to share. thanks for the sweetener. yeah, i know. bad joke. 😉

    @bubba1: i do, better than most. i realize that the past is the past, but as i said, sometimes, worlds can collide. as you say, lessons learnt. and here is a post, due to a gigantic assignment, delayed by about a week..

    @mo: i always did think too much. thanks for the wishes, but as i said, when worlds collide, nothing can seem right at all. down there and back again, means that you helped !

    @amma: hey hey hey.. welcome back to my crazy crazy world !

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s