[note: i do not claim all the thoughts below to be mine, but my take on things i have learnt.]

hmmm.. being more aware of what you feel, when you feel it, means that the world makes even less sense than earlier.

just when one feels that life might be getting back on track, as connections have been forged, it all goes crazy. again.

how do you explain to someone how much they matter ? how much a difference is made by simply knowing that they are there ? that life, in all its inexplicability, has come to have new meanings, new fundamentals, simply because they exist ?

my paradigm got redefined again when i realized that my thoughts are definitely shaped by what i feel. thought without emotion is one thing, but does not help. trying to separate your emotions from your consciousness causes meaning to be lost.

on the other hand, emotion without thought is a trap, one that we all fall into; when we act without thinking, following something we call “instinct”. this simply means that we're letting ourselves react to the world, without understanding what we are doing.
by “understand” i do not mean the why, this realization generally only comes after what we do, if it ever does. incidentally, it is also a matter on which this blog is generally based.

i mean the what, the motivation of what we are doing. for example, i am letting my mind drift(in writing) to try and come to the roots of what i am thinking right now.
my thoughts are also shaped by the connections i form. one can think of it as tendrils of thought connecting us all. when the connection harmonizes between the two people they connect, you literally can feel the other. you can relate to another in ways that can only be experienced.
but when the connection loses harmony, for example, when one of the two is disturbed, the pain begins.
which, again, cannot be described.

we form connections all the time, we care not to realize them as much as we should; but when you become more aware of yourself, you become more aware of your world. and the ways in which you connect to someone. i could feel the thoughts envelope me when some were formed in the past week, and virtually bind me to the other.
and thus, when it all goes crazy, the beautiful circle that we've made of ourselves, each other, and the rest of the world; warps out of shape.

call it disappointment, call it frustration at everything seeming to go wrong, nevertheless, it sends the cycle out of whack.
and hence the mind ranges over why a path was shown, why a route was taken, when it was not meant to be. why everything has to get so complicated.

we seem to be back at a why here. which i know not.

i know pain for another. hopefully in this pain, i might find answers. i know that all this is more ephemeral than i will admit. that the realizations i am having, the changes i am causing seem to have life-changing effects, but this is happening in my universe alone, changing my paradigm alone.

i know now that causing change means that you change.
and hence, the more things stay the same.



36 thoughts on “disillusion

  1. Bubba

    One of the constant things here on earth is change. No matter how or why. We change. Having you write and read. I change.

  2. Damn as you say. Every day is a new day, unpredictable, unforgettable. Complicated and only we have the answers to the complexity of our mind. I am saddened and I wish I could write more, but I am out of tears, out of fear, out of questions. Who knows what the next day will bring? Hopefully peace of mind and sunshine.

  3. Bridget Jones

    What I was wondering was …. how do you know how much someone matters to you?
    Till when will the feelings last? And why will they go away?
    And if your thoughts are affected by what you feel, then where does this leave you?

  4. Wise one–You were one of the blogs I chose to showcase in a new feature I started today called Sunday Sweetness. I talked briefly about your blog and why I enjoy coming here and encouraged others to stop by in what I call linky love. You might want to make certain you read it…as if you don’t…huggs

  5. With every post, without fail, you make me think about matters that might
    have passed me by- and no doubt you have the same effect on all your readers.

    Stopping by to say “Hello, Michele sent me.” Yes, SEV, TAG you are it!

  6. marcy

    Hi, Michele sent me. I read blogs, don’t have one of my own, but I guess if I want to play I’ll have to start one. Hello from sunny (not now) Spain.

  7. I come today not on my own but to say Hello sweet one….Michele sent me. You are such a special person, don’t forget me now that you are going to become such a big author ….Love you.

  8. Okay, I was on my way to your web page to thank you for the post you left on my blog. Only, I made a detour to Michele’s blog first, so I’m here for Michele and for me.. Thank you.

  9. Hey there, Michele sent me.

    Intensely written…thought provoking…I should have read it earlier when I was more refreshed! LOL I’ve been by before.

  10. HippyChix

    I’m glad that michelle never liked my blog, because if all these moronic idiots came and left comments on it, I would have hunted them down and shot them in the head.

    quality, not quantity, is all that matters. To be read by 2 that hear is much better than 200 that don’t.

    I hear, and I understand, and I am proud of you. Whether you see it or not, you are exactly where you need to be, seeing what you need to see, and it will all come together in understanding that you will wonder how you missed … it will all make sense, I promise. Just keep searching, keep listening, keep asking why.

    You are beautiful, Satish. I love you very much.


  11. Actually, I am quite certain that I had no opinbion on HippyChix blog because I do not recall the name. So, it is unfair to assume that I disliked it. However, I am now quite certain that I am not fond of who ever this person is because it is rude and obnoxious to call people “moronic idiots” when they are simply being kind in visiting.

    So, if you do read this Hippy, please know that I do not dislike your blog but I am do dislike your unkindness.

    Sorry for the typos SEV. My fingers did not keep up with my thoughts.

    Thank you for being a gracious host.

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