[note: i do not claim all the thoughts below to be mine, but my take on things i have learnt.]
hmmm.. being more aware of what you feel, when you feel it, means that the world makes even less sense than earlier.
just when one feels that life might be getting back on track, as connections have been forged, it all goes crazy. again.
how do you explain to someone how much they matter ? how much a difference is made by simply knowing that they are there ? that life, in all its inexplicability, has come to have new meanings, new fundamentals, simply because they exist ?
my paradigm got redefined again when i realized that my thoughts are definitely shaped by what i feel. thought without emotion is one thing, but does not help. trying to separate your emotions from your consciousness causes meaning to be lost.
on the other hand, emotion without thought is a trap, one that we all fall into; when we act without thinking, following something we call “instinct”. this simply means that we're letting ourselves react to the world, without understanding what we are doing.
by “understand” i do not mean the why, this realization generally only comes after what we do, if it ever does. incidentally, it is also a matter on which this blog is generally based.
i mean the what, the motivation of what we are doing. for example, i am letting my mind drift(in writing) to try and come to the roots of what i am thinking right now.
my thoughts are also shaped by the connections i form. one can think of it as tendrils of thought connecting us all. when the connection harmonizes between the two people they connect, you literally can feel the other. you can relate to another in ways that can only be experienced.
but when the connection loses harmony, for example, when one of the two is disturbed, the pain begins.
which, again, cannot be described.
we form connections all the time, we care not to realize them as much as we should; but when you become more aware of yourself, you become more aware of your world. and the ways in which you connect to someone. i could feel the thoughts envelope me when some were formed in the past week, and virtually bind me to the other.
and thus, when it all goes crazy, the beautiful circle that we've made of ourselves, each other, and the rest of the world; warps out of shape.
call it disappointment, call it frustration at everything seeming to go wrong, nevertheless, it sends the cycle out of whack.
and hence the mind ranges over why a path was shown, why a route was taken, when it was not meant to be. why everything has to get so complicated.
we seem to be back at a why here. which i know not.
i know pain for another. hopefully in this pain, i might find answers. i know that all this is more ephemeral than i will admit. that the realizations i am having, the changes i am causing seem to have life-changing effects, but this is happening in my universe alone, changing my paradigm alone.
i know now that causing change means that you change.
and hence, the more things stay the same.