hmmm.. in all my attempts at exploring, even when i ramble on about my beliefs, my ideas, my feelings: they are all worthless unless they are seen right.

by me.
more than anyone else, by me.

i was talking to who is possibly my closest friend, and i finally decided to show her parts of myself that i thought i would never be able to share. parts that i thought that no-one could understand, because, some levels, some methods of thinking, are completely different.
and so, i was completely honest.

we talk of true honesty in terms of a virtue, something that should be within all of us, but we lie. we lie for many reasons, some to ensure that the other is not hurt, some to ensure that they themselves are not hurt; some simply to hurt…

until recently i thought that lying was ok, when the intentions are good.
but then i realised, that any connection, any relation cannot survive assaults.
and a lie eventually turns into an assault. and even the best intentions cannot mend hurt caused by them.

i am not saying that i have stopped lying, that i have sworn to tell the truth, and nothing but the truth.

we know from the HGTTG that if we are ever told the truth about everything, we would not be able to handle it.
not that there is too much of it as it is.

what i have done is decided, that i shall not attempt to hide the truth.
what this also means is that you have to ask the right questions to get such answers from me. after all, i am no saint, and i still believe that some things are necessary to ensure that people do not leave reject you.

i am not yet at a stage where i can say: “this is me”. that what you see is what there is. i have developed too many layers over the years, and now it is a constant adventure to find new facets to myself, many that i have discovered when i've needed them.
it has been long observed that whenever anyone has said nothing but the truth, it means that others spite him; we humans cannot handle complete truth between one another.
and hence we lie.

however, one has to choose well when talking honestly. matters talked of honestly to people wrongly chosen can mean chaos and misunderstanding.
it is sad that we have to hide who we are from one another.

when we lie to one another, when we hide some truths, we are essentially lying to ourselves about it. we maybe trying to shield ourselves from the truth, or we may even be trying to pretend to be something we are not.
but this involves lying to yourself.
possibly the one entity with whom you should be able to be completely honest.

coming back to my friend, when i finally managed to make her see why i behaved in a certain way, when i finally was able to tell her matters that i hid; not from guilt, but in thinking that she would not be able to understand, it was like a light. a new level of understanding had been reached between us, one that i have never had before with another.

and then i realised that all my hiding had done nothing but deprive me of such a connection. our deeds affect us alone in ways we do not realise, until after they have had their effect.

there are still matters that i keep close to me; not everyone can understand everything i say. or maybe they can, but do not want to accept that another feels what they feel. or maybe they are not ready yet.

why am i not saying that all these will be unburdened now ?
one, i do not know all of them. its a journey of self..
two, i know they will come out when they are meant to. when the other is ready, the motivation will be given, and i will know more.

till then, i wait.

at least i know there's something there to wait for.


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