i am in a place of little meaning now.
my innermost self is apparently dead. the “questions” that were getting “answered” a few weeks ago have suddenly stopped coming. a query arises, and is struck down by the mind with that indefinable attitude where nothing seems to matter.
something is missing within me.
i know not what.
i feel i am simply going through the motions. like life is a chore to be finished. that it would be so much easier if i could simply lie back and not do anything. that nothing is worth it.
i keep feeling that doing what i am is no use. that anything right now is being done because it has to. that all that i envisioned i would accomplish was crap. sure, i'll try to do it.. but for what ? in less than a decade after, nothing of what i say here would actually matter.
motivation. spirit. inner peace.
they all seem to be missing.
and don't seem to be within me. or without.
there is an indefinable feeling of lackadaisicalness when it comes to life. all that purpose that was driving me, all those permutations which used to make me think don't seem to have any use. they've all disappeared as well. life is a journey that has to be made, and is hence made. not to explore, not to change, not to revel in the beauty of the world we are in.
i've asked it all before : what really does matter ? does it all really matter ?
the difference is that now i ask: who the fuck cares ?
again, it seems that i crave to write all this down, in the hope that all these people who read me might be sympathetic; might give me some hope. that's not why i'm writing this. that is pathetic, and i don't want to realize that as well.
don't do that.
don't try and give me that hope that everything is worth it. that's not true, and it only means that i feel good; you feel good.
feeling good is no fucking use.
nothing makes a bloody difference.
why am i still writing this ? do i think that giving thoughts to people changes them somehow ? or do i think this helps me “analyze” the meaning of life, the universe and everything ? how do i know that they even have meaning ? how do i know that that meaning has any meaning for me ? why am i asking questions to which no-one can give answers to ?
why do i keep falling into this morass of frustration where i need to query the meaning of existence ?
no point. there's just no fucking point.