over the last few posts, maybe to a response of utter boredom, i've kept wondering about the futility of it all.
of the way i am constantly besetting myself with imagined problems.
wallowing in self pity was never the idea though. the idea was to allow myself to understand the absolute futility of my own thinking.
i've been told by many: 'forget it.' 'can't you just leave it alone ?' 'stop trying to do this alone, its not possible.'
and i kept saying: 'i must.' 'someone must. that someone is me.' 'it is what i am meant to do.'
then 'something' happened.
let it suffice to say that it happened. the details are unimportant. i was called on to help. and when i was figuring out what could possibly be done, an answer i came up with was what all these people were saying to me.
then i realized.
i'm not ready to let go.
there are ideas, feelings within me i'm not letting go of. and they act as additional lens to my 'vision'. which just gets more and more warped as they accumulate.
leading to posts like these.
but i can't let go.
i've tried. i've tried to talk about it. it never comes out directly, always metaphors & half-statements. i've tried to make my mind understand that its all bound to happen. it had to. that one cannot remained tied up in these transient(?) things. that sometimes the 'alone'-ness is bound to be felt just a little more…
but i'm not tied up.
i'm half-blind, and running around in a maze of mirrors with no exit. and i can't scream for help. no-one's here, and i'm deaf & dumb anyway.
there is always an exit.
when you figure out how you got in here, you know how to get out.
do i want to?
do i really want to get out ?
i'm not sure.
my mind seems to want to remain lost in a place where there's no today, tomorrow or forever.
the reason ?
getting out might mean i might be losing something. a fruit to the struggles so far.
an eventual answer.
there has to be one right ?
i might, just might, be on a path to a new realization.
do i want it ?
do i even know what i'm seeking the answer to ?
is there even an end ? or do i 'exit game' without finishing it ?
a chess game against oneself.
and its my move.