i wrote about rue.a post i was nearly made to regret.
but why regret ?
all my life, the spectre of what could have been has haunted me. chances “missed”. paths “not taken”.
but i rarely regret my choices. i rue the outcomes to which i come, yes, but not the decisions made. it is an important distinction.
all such decisions were made at certain times, with certain data, and ideas. and some hopes.
if i screw up the final outcome, it is not the fault of the decision: i fucked up.
besides this, every decision i’ve made has always had its good points, which have changed me. in ways i still cannot believe; and never want to lose.
this does not mean that my conscious does not constantly evaluate the decision, or the outcome thus far.. and reach points of improvement. its like a self-feedback mechanism.
however, there exists a line of thought that straddles the feedback without wanting to throw oneself in the gutter.
as a close friend once said: “the fine line between overconfidence and reality”.
i know how good i am.
i know how good i can be.
nope, still not right.
i know how good i have proven myself to be so far.
i know not the limits.
but then, one never does.
i, however, constantly doubt myself.
its the little things. always the little things.
due to certain performances, certain points where i’ve tested myself – and found myself lacking; maybe only by my standards (but probably not) – i’m not sure.
that‘s the biggest problem.
i’m just not sure anymore.
self-doubt can keep you grounded in reality.
or, as for me, grounded well below it.
“people”. and by this i mean those close to me; and some otherwise, say they know how good i am.
i never agree. that i am any good in the first place.
i lack in many things. i’m not even sure how many.
i fear the fact that i’m not good enough. that i (and others) overestimate who i am.
the brain i have. my capabilities.
writing. academia. organization.
you name it.
and even if all of you decide to leave comments testifying to any of these, it won’t work.
it never does.
criticism ? eagerly looked for.
and then follows intense self-scrutiny within the mind. to levels you won’t believe. it can last weeks.
its like i want praise. but i don’t want it either.
i know that none of us ever know our own limits. or can ever even hope to get an accurate idea of how good/bad we are. or even how we affect others. for good or bad.
i’m not even sure where i stand. sometimes, its like i’m at the top of the world. then i remember all that i’ve done, how i’ve mucked up…
…and slide to the bottom of the grave beneath the shithole.
i can go for convincing myself as to my worth. and maybe scale further heights.
but i’m not sure if i can even climb.
i could be completely wrong about it all.
“you need to know where you are, to be able to see where you can go.”
even here, other than writing cliches (like above), and generally whining about unnecessary crap, i’ve done nothing.
maybe i never have.