i wrote about rue.a post i was nearly made to regret.
but why regret ?

all my life, the spectre of what could have been has haunted me. chances “missed”. paths “not taken”.
but i rarely regret my choices. i rue the outcomes to which i come, yes, but not the decisions made. it is an important distinction.

all such decisions were made at certain times, with certain data, and ideas. and some hopes.
if i screw up the final outcome, it is not the fault of the decision: i fucked up.

besides this, every decision i’ve made has always had its good points, which have changed me. in ways i still cannot believe; and never want to lose.
this does not mean that my conscious does not constantly evaluate the decision, or the outcome thus far.. and reach points of improvement. its like a self-feedback mechanism.

however, there exists a line of thought that straddles the feedback without wanting to throw oneself in the gutter.
as a close friend once said: “the fine line between overconfidence and reality”.
i know how good i am.
i know how good i can be.
nope, still not right.
i know how good i have proven myself to be so far.
i know not the limits.
but then, one never does.

i, however, constantly doubt myself.
its the little things. always the little things.

due to certain performances, certain points where i’ve tested myself – and found myself lacking; maybe only by my standards (but probably not) – i’m not sure.
that‘s the biggest problem.
i’m just not sure anymore.
self-doubt can keep you grounded in reality.
or, as for me, grounded well below it.

“people”. and by this i mean those close to me; and some otherwise, say they know how good i am.
i never agree. that i am any good in the first place.
i lack in many things. i’m not even sure how many.
i fear the fact that i’m not good enough. that i (and others) overestimate who i am.
the brain i have. my capabilities.
writing. academia. organization.
you name it.

and even if all of you decide to leave comments testifying to any of these, it won’t work.
it never does.
criticism ? eagerly looked for.
and then follows intense self-scrutiny within the mind. to levels you won’t believe. it can last weeks.

its like i want praise. but i don’t want it either.

i know that none of us ever know our own limits. or can ever even hope to get an accurate idea of how good/bad we are. or even how we affect others. for good or bad.
i’m not even sure where i stand. sometimes, its like i’m at the top of the world. then i remember all that i’ve done, how i’ve mucked up…
…and slide to the bottom of the grave beneath the shithole.

i can go for convincing myself as to my worth. and maybe scale further heights.
but i’m not sure if i can even climb.
i could be completely wrong about it all.

“you need to know where you are, to be able to see where you can go.”
even here, other than writing cliches (like above), and generally whining about unnecessary crap, i’ve done nothing.

maybe i never have.



3 thoughts on “confidence/self-confidence

  1. Rohit

    Limits are quite tricky; setting then, even so. One of the ways might be to set a limit, evaluate your performance based on the limit you have set; if you have performed beyond limit; it’s time to raise the bar.This way you can keep egging yourself to see how high the bar can be raised.

  2. Sol

    I have tried to teach my kids to not say “I can’t do that.” Even in the effort of “trying” you have learned something. Maybe that what you just tried is better left to the professionals I suppose, but even in failure, or doubt, questioning… there is a positive outlook but I find you have to CHOOSE to try and see that even when it looks most dismal. You are, in your own right, wonderful. But it’s not me you need to hear that from is it? But instead… yourself

  3. SEV

    while all of what you both say is true, there was a point here that i’ve not made very well, which was the real motivation behind the post. i’ll try again, because basically the attitudes that the two of u speak of is present within me.. to an extent. thanks both, Rohit, Sol..

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s