i've just finished reading a book called 'little women'(that i have a paper on thursday notwithstanding !), and i'm still grappling with the number of emotions that have just literally flooded my conscious.
its a simple story of a family during the war, and the trials and tribulations of the four March girls. the beauty lies not in the story itself, but more for the way the emotions are just evoked on each incident. one can relate to each one of them; one almost lives in the life narrated.
there are morals, yes, and references to the many christian texts it is based on; but in the end it's the simple beauty of a life lived.
from the simple vanities, to the classic joy on accomplishments; and of course, the friendship and camaraderie that permeates through. without sounding any more sickeningly sugar-sweet, i will say thats the ultimate feeling: this is life.
there are many things i can come up with here, which i will go into once i understand them myself.
back to something i talked of earlier.
i examined the basic problem of confidence/self-confidence, but the real motivation for that post was different; one which i could not explain.
which i see now, on hindsight.
interestingly, i don't believe in limits. i actually subscribe to the belief that the human mind does not have any real limits. we impose them, by environment, and from within ourselves.
hence, there are few things that i actually say “i can't do that” to. the few that there are, i have tried repeatedly and finally come to the conclusion that these are things that i won't excel in.
herein is one of the points against the beliefs i have. there are some things that you are decent in; and there are some things you can be great in. discovering these, and making them the focus of life; would be the ideal.
which never happens.
so, i, apparently don't suffer from either of these.
so then what is it ?
it is a matter more of “self-worth”.
for now, i'll use this as an approximation to what i think the problem is.
i could be wrong.
very simply, one can say, i underestimate what i can do.
overconfidence is a fault i cannot afford to suffer from.
probably, its one none of us can afford to have.
now i remember why i didn't manage to explicate.
i didn't want to explicate, and face this.
i know that when i make an estimate of my ability, i usually end up overestimating what i have done. and what i can do. and so screw up anything further.
thus i err on the side of caution.
and in my case, with my tendency to over-analyze, it compounds.
and hence, it leads to the point where the confidence level is so low one worries about whether anything is possible. and compounding means that one loses confidence in anything one does.
i'm scared enough to keep questioning whether what i do is any good. whether what i am doing now is really worth the effort i am expending on it.
you question. and question again. and analyze everything you've done. and measure it upto “standards”. and find it wanting.
its a vicious circle.
and i've been running it for a while.
i know there maybe no real answer to it. the answer may only come from within, if it ever will.
i've got a sort of problem expounded, though now. or maybe its only one part of the problem.
and i'll hope for answers too.