there comes a time in everyone's life when everything seems to be wrong. everything.
when i say 'everything' i mean all the perceptions we have, all the decisions we've taken, anything we've ever done. none of it seems to make any sense. at all.
when i talk of 'perception' i mean the point of view we adopt. while i know that a definition can be obtained from a dictionary – the point is that these perceptions are based on what one has done in life.
'anything one has done' – that was intentionally a vague statement.
it can include so much; and yet comprise of so little.
after all, its life. vagueness is a quality. vagueness is an attribute. vague is the way its supposed to be.
my point ?
i wish i knew.
the choices we make decide how we perceive things as well. there is always a choice in everything we do – beginning from the basic 'should i do it or not'. if we choose to perceive that we have a choice, a whole new vista in life opens.
do we really need new vistas ? aren't the number of choices enough anyway ?
now, in the normal course of things, i like to believe that everything works out for the best. that the ultimate choice we make is governed by something that will not allow crap to happen to us. this is in the long run, of course – in the short run, there seems to be no end to the crap that can happen to a person.
its a good belief system, it means that one reposes a lot more confidence than may be strictly good in one's own judgement.
its pretty obvious that judgement is composed from so many things here – perception, logic, belief, decision, experience, crap taken, crap given… most of the stuff i've talked about right now.
when everything seems to be wrong, one knows not what is right.
note: i've just realised that most of the crap i'm pulling here is either painfully obvious; or already known. but i do that all the time. so that's ok.
and the first suspect, at least for me, at such times, is one's own judgement. you can never really say that what you did is perfect. that the decision you took was right. that your judgement was good. you hope so, and in general can justify it to an extent; but you can't have that level of surety.
and hence, doubt.
this is also connected to what i talked of on other days. rue. self-confidence. confidence. belief.
the worst thing you can do is start doubting yourself. you lose the battle, and the war is looking pretty grim too. there's no escape from one's own consciousness, from a lingering doubt of:'what if…' 'maybe i should have…' 'it is possible that i was…'
you get the idea.
where is this leading to ? am i going to give the solution to this problem ? or is this one of those self-whiny posts where i talk about why i'm so worried/mindfucked/depressed… and leave it there ?
i really don't know at this point. vickie talked of a path of life – mine's looking horribly convoluted right now. it looks like its all leading back to the beginning.
sadly life is not a computer game where you can restart, or continue from a better position earlier. i wouldn't want it to be.
i've been expecting something to happen for a while now… my personal life was seeming to be too hunky-dory to be true. the only problem with realising that a pattern is followed by everything, is simply that it seems to materialize the more we observe our self. and so you come to expect the problem, but cannot brace yourself enough.
the mind is still wandering, it doesn't want to attack the problem. i know that this is not good, i know that this could mean that things get worse. there's a point where you know things can only get worse. and you couldn't fucking care anyway.
vagueness and uncertainty can combine to form one very dense fog.
and there's no light.
i don't care anyway.