anguish

Standard

we make decisions.
then we rationalize them.
then we lose rationality.
you see what happens to the decision ?

i’m lost.

occasionally i feel what happened was something that had to be. that what happened will affect me, but hopefully, i will not lose perspective about why i did it.

then i say ‘crap’.

questions can be such a killer.
i’ve been asking them to myself for a while now. and the answers lead to thoughts that can, euphemistically, only be described as destructive.

i made a conscious decision. thus, i know only too well what i have lost. i also know that this is not the kind of loss that comes with a promise of more.
this is not ‘sacrifice’ either.
you can call it ‘cowardice’.
it can even be termed ‘selfishness’.

thus, deservedly, i should suffer.
i have made others suffer, some so close, that i know their pain. physically.
after all, mental pain has a way of transcending minds.

i asked earlier, whether i can live with what i have become.
i have to. and the fact that i pulled crap. and kept on doing it.

is it really a surprise why i despise myself ?

this is not about forgiveness from others. that may be given. eventually.
it is about me forgiving me.
that i cannot do.
no excuses, no explanation, no way of making up.

i can only hope that others are able to take it.
else, life has no reason. even to exist.

you’re thinking suicide ?
no.
sometimes punishment need not mean death.
death would mean release.
and i should suffer.
period.

i know anyone who reads this would ask for details. to know more. to help.
however, i cannot do that here.

the wound is too raw for me to be able to tell others. or hope that others might understand.
besides, i don’t deserve help. a bit of suffering never hurt anyone.

words. words.
empty words.
can anything have any meaning ? anymore ?

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