no matter how much one may try to avoid it.. one cannot escape oneself.
you can try to run, hide, lie… but in the end you know what you are worth. what you can or cannot do. the problem is usually.. knowing why.
this is one thing i am currently unable to do. where i could once objectively analyse myself, draw conclusions, understand… the ability seems lacking. the ability to think seems to have died.. atrophied.
one of my worst fears come true, that one.
the inner fear of failure that drives me on to do my best seems to have the ring of truth to it more and more. i know murphy’s law only too well not to realise what is happening.
self-doubt, self-persecution.. the destruction of self-esteem are natural by-products of such circumstance. it feels, ever so often like the man caught in the marshes underwater. the more you fight, the more you are enmeshed. the only way is to relax, but relaxing underwater is the one thing you cannot do. and so, the fight continues, getting weaker.. weaker.. weaker..
this may sound like the final gasps of a person. this isn’t.
its the scream of frustration. the lament of helplessness. the bellow of irritation. i could come up with more metaphors, language can be used to revel in; or to communicate.
the questions that remain in my head are not getting answered. they are repeated enough times, a monomanic litany of queries that bounce around within; without ever coming out.
i try to divert my mind.. it has come to the stage where i can “switch off”… but to what end ? the cessation of thought ? the destruction of deduction ?
no beginning or end to it all in sight. the fear of becoming imbecelic lingers. and a faculty for english that will die out with mental atrophy.