home truths

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no matter how much one may try to avoid it.. one cannot escape oneself.

you can try to run, hide, lie… but in the end you know what you are worth. what you can or cannot do. the problem is usually.. knowing why.

this is one thing i am currently unable to do. where i could once objectively analyse myself, draw conclusions, understand… the ability seems lacking. the ability to think seems to have died.. atrophied.
one of my worst fears come true, that one.

the inner fear of failure that drives me on to do my best seems to have the ring of truth to it more and more. i know murphy’s law only too well not to realise what is happening.

self-doubt, self-persecution.. the destruction of self-esteem are natural by-products of such circumstance. it feels, ever so often like the man caught in the marshes underwater. the more you fight, the more you are enmeshed. the only way is to relax, but relaxing underwater is the one thing you cannot do. and so, the fight continues, getting weaker.. weaker.. weaker..

this may sound like the final gasps of a person. this isn’t.
its the scream of frustration. the lament of helplessness. the bellow of irritation. i could come up with more metaphors, language can be used to revel in; or to communicate.

the questions that remain in my head are not getting answered. they are repeated enough times, a monomanic litany of queries that bounce around within; without ever coming out.

i try to divert my mind.. it has come to the stage where i can “switch off”… but to what end ? the cessation of thought ? the destruction of deduction ?

no beginning or end to it all in sight. the fear of becoming imbecelic lingers. and a faculty for english that will die out with mental atrophy.

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2 thoughts on “home truths

  1. AA

    I normally don’t read into detail on such things, but Mom read this and pointed it out to me. Felt it was very relevant to your situation. It’s from a Chinmaya Mission newletter…

    Our future is a result of the past and present actions. We may not be able to change our past actions, but we can modify their effects on our future by modifying our actions in the present. At the end of the day, if the force of your past karmas is too strong to be sufficiently modified by your present actions, it doesn’t matter. Regardless of what happens, always continue to put forth all your efforts; don’t just sit and worry. Even if sometimes some things don’t happen the way you want, it doesn’t matter. Your work must continue. Swami Chinmayananda would say, “What comes in your life is prarabdha, or destiny. How you face it is your purushartha, or self-effort.”

  2. Vati

    AA is absolutely right. I can vouch for that from my own experience. However ultimately the decision is by oneself and he/she has to face the result. Yesterday is over, today is in our hands to work for the future. All the best

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