a worrying tendency i’ve seen develop in myself over the last few months.. the lack of reaction. for some reason, anything that happens to me is met with an initis al lack of complete reaction; and once it sinks in; i’m still nowhere as close to enthused as i would expect to be.
i sometimes wonder whether something essential has died inside, i can feel the spontaniety; the kind of enthusiasm that used to make up so much of my work just drift away.
in some ways, every day is a waking dream. the time just seems to flow by, like the waters in a stream. it feels like there should be more; there should be a real motivation behind existence… a purpose to which we should be aspiring to. there isn’t, and that doesn’t bother me. that i can’t find one, doesn’t seem to bother me either.
i used to question, reason, explore the “mysteries” of life as i saw them. somewhere along this path, i’ve lost that. i philosophise, i rationalize what happens.. and i leave it there. should it be better ? maybe. is it good now ? yeah, i guess. the drive, the energy that i used to think makes life worth living is just not there. i could care less whether an explosion happened right now.. it would mean that i would have something to clear up.
this is not to say i do not feel. i feel terribly. some things happened last year; they hit hard. my grandfather passed away; that hit me hard too. some plans i’ve had haven’t worked out like they shoud; that was not very nice either. so many other things hit me hard; but i’m unable tos say a word.
and all this was internal.
that just feels wrong. somehow, they are all these explosions in my internal consciousness.. which seem to sort of whimper out by the time they appear on my face. in essence, the emotion is expressed internally, never externally.
even now, i sound like a pedantic professor examining a specimen. complete disassociation from the self.
i’m either en route to becoming a true scientist/psychologist.. or i’m a psychiatric basket-case.