as i get ready to leave for the states, as i say the many goodbyes i have to – some harder than others, some easier… other than the usual gamut of feelings of parting from all those truly near and dear existing, there one overpowering weight on my mind.
the weight of expectation. of relation.
i’ve spent the time i’ve been here trying to touch everyone i hold important to me. spend time, spend moments, hope at the end of every such meeting that the time spent is enough. with some, its never enough. with others… you expect yourself to measure upto their own expectations of you.
complicated ? isn’t it always ?
there are some for whom you have to make the time. no matter what. and there are some for whom you want to. then there are those whom you need not, but you do. hindsight dictates the classification, unfortunately… in most cases. even though, i should have been foresighted enough to do this earlier. i’m not.
says a lot about my brain, i know.
and then it hits you like a solar plexus punch. you haven’t measured up. to your expectations. let alone what others expect of you. in a manner of speaking, its a failure. in another way, its a reality check.
think of it. there are so many people in our lives.. but regardless of whatever regard/relation they hold us in; its completely dependent on the way we manage to stay connected. and there is a point where they hold no expectation – because they don’t know us that well. and a point, where they believe certain standards of us. because of the manner of relation maintained.
so, when in such a case, you disappoint yourself… it hurts doubly.
but is it always possible ? in the current fashion of the world, in the daily fight; there is no way we can always live up to anyone’s expectations, not even our own. apparently, there’s time for them later. maybe there is. at any rate, thus is life.. there are some who remain, and so many others who fall away. you grow out of them, they grow out away from you, directions and attitudes change… so many things. this is reality.. and its not always easy to keep connections alive. especially when you get bored of them.
“ah, chuck it”., you could say. “you analyze too much.””there’s always next time.”
and therein lies the fallacy. there’s not always the so-called “next time”. sometimes its the last time, and you don’t realise it; because you’ve taken it for granted so many times. and you realise too late, that it is too late.
and that is the worst feeling of them all.
what of these people i’m beating myself up with ? i should expect the same ? maybe ?
at some level i do. but i expect more from myself than them. its a matter of the way i believe i should be. plus, this way when things happen the way they should.. life seems better.
only seems, mind you.
at some level, i know i’ve not done everything i could have. or should have. the questions of whether it was possible are redundant today.. they probably were. i’ll never know.
the connection of relation is too, too fragile to be tested often. everytime we say we’ll do it later, and don’t.. everytime we conveniently forget to hold to a promise… everytime we assume the other will understand; we’re stretching it to limits we have no idea of.
and the only time we realise is when we see that hurt in someone’s eyes, which they try to hide. when we know within that we’ve let them down, in a way. we all do it so often. and are surprised, even hurt when it doesn’t hold up.
when, in fact, we’ve not held up to the test ourselves.