chain ek pal nahi
aur koi hal nahi

there isn’t a single moment of peace
and there is no solution to this..

sitting in the rear seat of the bus, rocking to and fro as the bus moves ahead. a shudder, a stop. a traffic signal. staring sightlessly in front, the lighted interior of the bus not part of the vision seen. instead, a deep blackness is confronted. seemingly infinite in depth, extending away, engulfing the surroundings.. seeping into every facet, every nook, every cranny.

all at once, the blackness vanishes; the bus rudely jerking forward in motion. it’s a shock to have the darkness disappear in an instant to be replaced by faces.. faces of people never seen before, people unknown. suddenly, the feeling of loneliness overwhelms – just being part of a crowd of unknowns, being faceless, realising the lack of identity.

kya bashar ke bisaat
aaj hai kal nahi
chain ek pal nahi
aur koi hal nahi

whats the guarantee of life
today it is, tomorrow it is gone
there isn’t a single moment of peace
and there is no solution to this..

the familiar motion of the bus lulls, rhythmic, harmonic.. the blackness creeps back. helpless to stop it, leaning against the wall of the bus. a comforting heat seems to spread through the body, from fingers to toes. the mind numbs, a familiar feeling envelopes; replacing the heat. even the heater alongside cannot dispel this chill. a tremor of the hand stuck inside the jacket; an involuntary shiver.

all at once, images flash across a darkness that comes crashing down. images of the past, present, and possible futures. memories explode into consciousness; first good, then bad, ultimately terrifying. hopes past realization, dreams long forgotten, wishes never made… they come back; the impact within akin to slamming into concrete. paralysed by the crescendo reached within, externally a hollow shell. the surroundings continue to be enmeshed in humanity; phones ring, players play, hands held, words exchanged. nary a glance, never an idea of the conflict within… that threatens to explode without.

heartbeats pulse, thoughts zing, eyes are blinked in the futile effort to immunize, to block, to forget,.. to gain relief, to gain peace.

in vain.

chorr meri khataa
tu to paagal nahi
chain eek pal nahi
aur kohi hal nahi

forgive my mistake
you are not insane
there isn’t a single moment of peace
and there is no solution to this..

For those not in the know, ‘Ataraxis’ is ‘peace’ or ‘serenity’.


2 thoughts on “ataraxis

  1. Brilliant post. Pretty much sums up each bus ride of mine… 🙂
    And Sayonee is a dangerous song to listen to in such a situation. Especially when I always thought “aur kohi hal nahi” meant “there is no OTHER solution”. Suddenly, it acquired a darker, more final tone thanks to post “AND there is NO solution to this”. I think I kinda like this better. Puts a whole new spin on things…

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