the k’s and the a’s have it: ektaaaa kaaapooor has done it. she has reinvented the greatest epic of our time. to the greatest maahaaa epic of our time. the wikipedia admits it: the six-pack, the half body armor, the musculature have been inherited, nay, evolved from 300.
our story begins in a galaxy far, far away.. where dice is played by men. we know they are real, true men as they all flaunt six-pack flabs, and stare moodily into space while dialogues are screamed. the skies scream, whether in protest we are not informed, but they scream. a real true man acting like a half-gay hyena (shenzi, banzai or ed?) – read shakuni – cackles in glee when he lands a 2 and a 1 with some ancient looking dice. a real true man broods moodily, rather.. continues to brood, while words are screamed at him. a hand comes into focus… and our new sherkar – read duryodhan – gestures in his direction.
one listens for the ‘govinda’ chant.. but then we get ahead of ourselves.
we arrive in draupadi’s boudoir, fashioned in the latest stylings of the last historical movie from hollywood. sarees on the walls, and the red stains the screen.
draupadi appears. a draupadi who defies convention. a draupadi who flaunts a tattoo of the sun on her shoulder. a draupadi who dons a cowboy skirt and sings ‘ding dong ding’ with the producers brother.. er..
events follow in quick succession. vain attempts are made to show cleavage; successfully in the case of our real true men.. unsuccessfully in the case of draupadi. our brooding man appears to be emraan hashmi going sick due to all the kissing. draupadi rants about how there are no real men yelling ‘this is sparta!’ around anymore, even in hastinapura. draupadi then rants about how in hastinapura, there is a real need for men who will shout and scream for her sake, maybe words like ‘this is sparta!’. draupadi starts screaming about how men nowadays in 5000 b.c. … um..
meanwhile we are treated to shots of a man attempting not to look at the bulging female navel on show, instead pretending to look upwards at some kind of band around his head… he could be blind, or he could just be rambo. we are treated to dark
brooding ominous shots of 4 men standing in apparent rage. it is possible that the hands tremor in the nether regions while draupadi bends over are due to more…innocent reasons. draupadi screams. more hands clench. our emraan-bhai turns away to hide his…shame. draupadi screams. further attempts by our ‘blind’ man not to see. draupadi screams. more hands clench. clothes are now piling up, very like a video i posted about earlier. i awaited the arrival of the black bars. draupadi screams.
we zoom out through the quantum tunnel that led us to 5000 b.c. this is the phenomenon that needed a large hadron collider to be built. one assumes than an experiment in progress has led to the creation of a boson (note similarity to another cleavage related word) which spins through the tunnel.. and emerges above everyone’s head. reminiscent of an african sun. stupefaction ensues. however, our dark ominous real true men continue…brooding, for lack of a better word. it is hard to get out in the middle of it after all.
to everyone’s possible chagrin and disappointment, draupadi manages to regain clothing. dushashan collapses before anyone else, revealing the true reason that they started developing aphrodisiacs more earnestly. our boson travels back, but too late for scientists to realize what has been accomplished, leading to more disappointment.. but of a different kind. there is always another day.
we will not know the identity of the true real ominous men who brooded for the whole episode. we will not know whether our blind rambo managed to ensure that his eyes do not pop out. we will not see draupadi attempt to cheer up our emraan by singing ‘ding dong ding’ with him too. we will not know whether duryodhan managed to piss off his chanderbhai, or whether chander ever discovered his animalistic or homosexual tendencies.
we remain with the image of the storm finally breaking.. as the camera pans to a wild desert.. where 2 men face each other. a stick is shifted from one side of the mouth to the… erm.. a pail of water is shifted around. eyes are closed up on. in case we forget the 2 men, cameras pan in from all possible angles, including from underneath the body, with a close up of the nether regions. more eyes are shown.
khmk part II: the bad, the even more bad, and the worse begins…