ennui

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“the one problem we still haven’t solved, my dear Watson, is how to while away these long summer evenings…”

that about sums it up right now for me. how do i get through the days ?

i have my finals in a few days, but studying stuff i’ve already studied is a little boring.
correction: is a lot boring.
i can’t actually say i’m the master of the domain.. but still – i’m not sure right now whether its my knowledge talking here; or my over-confidence. and i stick to that regardless of how egoistic it may seem.

there have been some pretty cool movies in the last few days. i’ve almost completed watching sergio leone’s creations – bloody brilliant. think the dollars trilogy, once upon a time in the west, once upon a time in america… classic action will always beat slow bullet time motion hands down. for me.
you have to hear the harmonica; and then watch Harmonica whip out his gun to appreciate it.

i have a presentation due too, but seriously; how long do presentations take ?

as one can see.. there are activities; and yet i say i’m bored.
and when i’m bored i think. and think.
yeah, i think too much. not good.

maybe i’ll expound on something more in a while. i liked seeing regular updates here.

doubt

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there comes a time in everyone's life when everything seems to be wrong. everything.

when i say 'everything' i mean all the perceptions we have, all the decisions we've taken, anything we've ever done. none of it seems to make any sense. at all.
when i talk of 'perception' i mean the point of view we adopt. while i know that a definition can be obtained from a dictionary – the point is that these perceptions are based on what one has done in life.

'anything one has done' – that was intentionally a vague statement.
it can include so much; and yet comprise of so little.
why ?
after all, its life. vagueness is a quality. vagueness is an attribute. vague is the way its supposed to be.

my point ?
i wish i knew.

the choices we make decide how we perceive things as well. there is always a choice in everything we do – beginning from the basic 'should i do it or not'. if we choose to perceive that we have a choice, a whole new vista in life opens.
do we really need new vistas ? aren't the number of choices enough anyway ?

now, in the normal course of things, i like to believe that everything works out for the best. that the ultimate choice we make is governed by something that will not allow crap to happen to us. this is in the long run, of course – in the short run, there seems to be no end to the crap that can happen to a person.

its a good belief system, it means that one reposes a lot more confidence than may be strictly good in one's own judgement.

judgement.
its pretty obvious that judgement is composed from so many things here – perception, logic, belief, decision, experience, crap taken, crap given… most of the stuff i've talked about right now.
when everything seems to be wrong, one knows not what is right.

note: i've just realised that most of the crap i'm pulling here is either painfully obvious; or already known. but i do that all the time. so that's ok.

and the first suspect, at least for me, at such times, is one's own judgement. you can never really say that what you did is perfect. that the decision you took was right. that your judgement was good. you hope so, and in general can justify it to an extent; but you can't have that level of surety.

and hence, doubt.

this is also connected to what i talked of on other days. rue. self-confidence. confidence. belief.

the worst thing you can do is start doubting yourself. you lose the battle, and the war is looking pretty grim too. there's no escape from one's own consciousness, from a lingering doubt of:'what if…' 'maybe i should have…' 'it is possible that i was…'
you get the idea.

where is this leading to ? am i going to give the solution to this problem ? or is this one of those self-whiny posts where i talk about why i'm so worried/mindfucked/depressed… and leave it there ?
i really don't know at this point. vickie talked of a path of life – mine's looking horribly convoluted right now. it looks like its all leading back to the beginning.

sadly life is not a computer game where you can restart, or continue from a better position earlier. i wouldn't want it to be.

i've been expecting something to happen for a while now… my personal life was seeming to be too hunky-dory to be true. the only problem with realising that a pattern is followed by everything, is simply that it seems to materialize the more we observe our self. and so you come to expect the problem, but cannot brace yourself enough.

the mind is still wandering, it doesn't want to attack the problem. i know that this is not good, i know that this could mean that things get worse. there's a point where you know things can only get worse. and you couldn't fucking care anyway.

vagueness and uncertainty can combine to form one very dense fog.

and there's no light.

i don't care anyway.

elucidation

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i'm blown.

i've just finished reading a book called 'little women'(that i have a paper on thursday notwithstanding !), and i'm still grappling with the number of emotions that have just literally flooded my conscious.

its a simple story of a family during the war, and the trials and tribulations of the four March girls. the beauty lies not in the story itself, but more for the way the emotions are just evoked on each incident. one can relate to each one of them; one almost lives in the life narrated.

there are morals, yes, and references to the many christian texts it is based on; but in the end it's the simple beauty of a life lived.
from the simple vanities, to the classic joy on accomplishments; and of course, the friendship and camaraderie that permeates through. without sounding any more sickeningly sugar-sweet, i will say thats the ultimate feeling: this is life.

there are many things i can come up with here, which i will go into once i understand them myself.

************************

back to something i talked of earlier.

i examined the basic problem of confidence/self-confidence, but the real motivation for that post was different; one which i could not explain.
which i see now, on hindsight.

interestingly, i don't believe in limits. i actually subscribe to the belief that the human mind does not have any real limits. we impose them, by environment, and from within ourselves.

hence, there are few things that i actually say “i can't do that” to. the few that there are, i have tried repeatedly and finally come to the conclusion that these are things that i won't excel in.

herein is one of the points against the beliefs i have. there are some things that you are decent in; and there are some things you can be great in. discovering these, and making them the focus of life; would be the ideal.
which never happens.

so, i, apparently don't suffer from either of these.
so then what is it ?

it is a matter more of “self-worth”.
for now, i'll use this as an approximation to what i think the problem is.
i could be wrong.
very simply, one can say, i underestimate what i can do.

why ?
overconfidence is a fault i cannot afford to suffer from.
probably, its one none of us can afford to have.
now i remember why i didn't manage to explicate.
i didn't want to explicate, and face this.

i know that when i make an estimate of my ability, i usually end up overestimating what i have done. and what i can do. and so screw up anything further.
thus i err on the side of caution.
i underestimate.
and in my case, with my tendency to over-analyze, it compounds.
and hence, it leads to the point where the confidence level is so low one worries about whether anything is possible. and compounding means that one loses confidence in anything one does.
i'm scared enough to keep questioning whether what i do is any good. whether what i am doing now is really worth the effort i am expending on it.

you question. and question again. and analyze everything you've done. and measure it upto “standards”. and find it wanting.
and rue.
its a vicious circle.
and i've been running it for a while.

i know there maybe no real answer to it. the answer may only come from within, if it ever will.
i've got a sort of problem expounded, though now. or maybe its only one part of the problem.

maybe.

i'll hope.
and i'll hope for answers too.

maybe.

confidence/self-confidence

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i wrote about rue.a post i was nearly made to regret.
but why regret ?

all my life, the spectre of what could have been has haunted me. chances “missed”. paths “not taken”.
but i rarely regret my choices. i rue the outcomes to which i come, yes, but not the decisions made. it is an important distinction.

all such decisions were made at certain times, with certain data, and ideas. and some hopes.
if i screw up the final outcome, it is not the fault of the decision: i fucked up.

besides this, every decision i’ve made has always had its good points, which have changed me. in ways i still cannot believe; and never want to lose.
this does not mean that my conscious does not constantly evaluate the decision, or the outcome thus far.. and reach points of improvement. its like a self-feedback mechanism.

however, there exists a line of thought that straddles the feedback without wanting to throw oneself in the gutter.
as a close friend once said: “the fine line between overconfidence and reality”.
i know how good i am.
i know how good i can be.
nope, still not right.
i know how good i have proven myself to be so far.
i know not the limits.
but then, one never does.

i, however, constantly doubt myself.
its the little things. always the little things.

due to certain performances, certain points where i’ve tested myself – and found myself lacking; maybe only by my standards (but probably not) – i’m not sure.
that‘s the biggest problem.
i’m just not sure anymore.
self-doubt can keep you grounded in reality.
or, as for me, grounded well below it.

“people”. and by this i mean those close to me; and some otherwise, say they know how good i am.
i never agree. that i am any good in the first place.
i lack in many things. i’m not even sure how many.
i fear the fact that i’m not good enough. that i (and others) overestimate who i am.
the brain i have. my capabilities.
anything.
writing. academia. organization.
you name it.

and even if all of you decide to leave comments testifying to any of these, it won’t work.
it never does.
criticism ? eagerly looked for.
and then follows intense self-scrutiny within the mind. to levels you won’t believe. it can last weeks.

its like i want praise. but i don’t want it either.

i know that none of us ever know our own limits. or can ever even hope to get an accurate idea of how good/bad we are. or even how we affect others. for good or bad.
i’m not even sure where i stand. sometimes, its like i’m at the top of the world. then i remember all that i’ve done, how i’ve mucked up…
…and slide to the bottom of the grave beneath the shithole.

i can go for convincing myself as to my worth. and maybe scale further heights.
but i’m not sure if i can even climb.
i could be completely wrong about it all.

“you need to know where you are, to be able to see where you can go.”
even here, other than writing cliches (like above), and generally whining about unnecessary crap, i’ve done nothing.

maybe i never have.

bah.

quagmire

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i am in a place of little meaning now.

my innermost self is apparently dead. the “questions” that were getting “answered” a few weeks ago have suddenly stopped coming. a query arises, and is struck down by the mind with that indefinable attitude where nothing seems to matter.

something is missing within me.
i know not what.

i feel i am simply going through the motions. like life is a chore to be finished. that it would be so much easier if i could simply lie back and not do anything. that nothing is worth it.
i keep feeling that doing what i am is no use. that anything right now is being done because it has to. that all that i envisioned i would accomplish was crap. sure, i'll try to do it.. but for what ? in less than a decade after, nothing of what i say here would actually matter.

motivation. spirit. inner peace.
they all seem to be missing.
and don't seem to be within me. or without.

there is an indefinable feeling of lackadaisicalness when it comes to life. all that purpose that was driving me, all those permutations which used to make me think don't seem to have any use. they've all disappeared as well. life is a journey that has to be made, and is hence made. not to explore, not to change, not to revel in the beauty of the world we are in.

i've asked it all before : what really does matter ? does it all really matter ?
the difference is that now i ask: who the fuck cares ?

again, it seems that i crave to write all this down, in the hope that all these people who read me might be sympathetic; might give me some hope. that's not why i'm writing this. that is pathetic, and i don't want to realize that as well.

don't.
don't do that.
don't try and give me that hope that everything is worth it. that's not true, and it only means that i feel good; you feel good.

feeling good is no fucking use.

nothing makes a bloody difference.

why am i still writing this ? do i think that giving thoughts to people changes them somehow ? or do i think this helps me “analyze” the meaning of life, the universe and everything ? how do i know that they even have meaning ? how do i know that that meaning has any meaning for me ? why am i asking questions to which no-one can give answers to ?

why do i keep falling into this morass of frustration where i need to query the meaning of existence ?

must i?

no point. there's just no fucking point.

selene

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the unspoken beauties that we take for granted, are the ones we miss the most.

going for random walks, and somehow meeting the one person you need the most.
realizing at a point, in the company of friends, that this is the moment that should last forever.
looking around you in the stillness of the night, and feeling the world and its connection to you.
the sudden appearance of moonlight to show you that ethereal nocturnal beauty.

ever sat and observed a clear night sky ? the gigantism of creation, the billions of stars that appear when you focus on any one part of the night, the panaroma of the night.. and the moon.

the moon has always been special to me. i still remember the way it looked when i wondered for the first time whether a man and a rabbit where actually living on it. when i realized why it always seems to follow me. when i realized that its light made beauty beyond compare possible.

regardless of all the science and geography i've studied, the moon remains as enamouring to me as the first time i glimpsed it from my bedside window. i remember “playing” with the rays that fell on my bed, and observing the weird shapes the shadows took. until my mother decided enough was enough, and held me close till i went to sleep.

nevertheless, since then, every night, observing the moon and the way the moonlight “touches” the earth, has been a source of peace for me. even today, when the heart is troubled, a 10 minute walk in the moonlight never fails to calm me, and show me solutions i was not able to fathom.

the pure serenity of the moonlight in a field of grass, with yourself sitting in the middle, is the closest i have come to understanding nirvana, and the emotions; or lack of them, that this sort of “enlightenment” means.

walking along the seashore, with the waves lapping at your feet, nothing other than the quietness of the sea that surrounds you and envelopes you in itself. and the moon: a faraway white beacon shining with an unreal glow, that bathes the ocean in an unworldly gossamer mantle…

here, in a stone jungle, the moon appears rarely in the skies above. its generally cloudy, or else there is no moon.

i need to find that inner peace, within myself. the mind ranges across the distances, the soul warps itself in searching for answers and explanations.
and they never come.

the source of all inspiration remains away.

and i wait.

for her.

disillusion

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[note: i do not claim all the thoughts below to be mine, but my take on things i have learnt.]

hmmm.. being more aware of what you feel, when you feel it, means that the world makes even less sense than earlier.

just when one feels that life might be getting back on track, as connections have been forged, it all goes crazy. again.

how do you explain to someone how much they matter ? how much a difference is made by simply knowing that they are there ? that life, in all its inexplicability, has come to have new meanings, new fundamentals, simply because they exist ?

my paradigm got redefined again when i realized that my thoughts are definitely shaped by what i feel. thought without emotion is one thing, but does not help. trying to separate your emotions from your consciousness causes meaning to be lost.

on the other hand, emotion without thought is a trap, one that we all fall into; when we act without thinking, following something we call “instinct”. this simply means that we're letting ourselves react to the world, without understanding what we are doing.
by “understand” i do not mean the why, this realization generally only comes after what we do, if it ever does. incidentally, it is also a matter on which this blog is generally based.

i mean the what, the motivation of what we are doing. for example, i am letting my mind drift(in writing) to try and come to the roots of what i am thinking right now.
my thoughts are also shaped by the connections i form. one can think of it as tendrils of thought connecting us all. when the connection harmonizes between the two people they connect, you literally can feel the other. you can relate to another in ways that can only be experienced.
but when the connection loses harmony, for example, when one of the two is disturbed, the pain begins.
which, again, cannot be described.

we form connections all the time, we care not to realize them as much as we should; but when you become more aware of yourself, you become more aware of your world. and the ways in which you connect to someone. i could feel the thoughts envelope me when some were formed in the past week, and virtually bind me to the other.
and thus, when it all goes crazy, the beautiful circle that we've made of ourselves, each other, and the rest of the world; warps out of shape.

call it disappointment, call it frustration at everything seeming to go wrong, nevertheless, it sends the cycle out of whack.
and hence the mind ranges over why a path was shown, why a route was taken, when it was not meant to be. why everything has to get so complicated.

we seem to be back at a why here. which i know not.

i know pain for another. hopefully in this pain, i might find answers. i know that all this is more ephemeral than i will admit. that the realizations i am having, the changes i am causing seem to have life-changing effects, but this is happening in my universe alone, changing my paradigm alone.

i know now that causing change means that you change.
and hence, the more things stay the same.

damn.