Hello everyone, and welcome to ‘Dainik Tamasha’. Please welcome Jaan Satwinder!
[Woman of indeterminate age, dressed in a sari, walks in. Namaste to audience while keeping every part of her body and head covered – just in case.]
Hello everyone! Before we begin the show I would like to inform anyone who still watches this show after it has been off-air for 10 weeks that the Dainik Tamasha has nothing whatsoever to do with ‘The Daily Show‘. For one, the name of the show and the host are different, as is the color of the background, and we will definitely not talk about any news broadcasts in a disparaging manner. Well, not any more anyway. After our first episode, we were sued by all the newschannels for using their own footage to appreciate the news. I have to say ‘appreciate’ because I got sued personally when I said ‘made fun of’ the last time. I should not have brought up Barkha Dutt during the Mumbai attacks, Rakhi Sawant’s slap or even pigeons as examples of the fine reporting in India.
A humble request is being made to Comedy Central: please don’t sue us. Or take out ads disclaiming intellectual property on the matter. You should know by now that intellect has little to do with Indian television. Another extended break while the courts put a stay order on the show, have a stay order put on the first one, then have a preliminary hearing in which a stay order is put on putting stay orders… will mean we cannot attract advertisers to sell key catch phrases like the IPL. If you do have to sue (not like Aparna sewing machines, where things once sown must be worn) us anyway, our lawyer is availabe via SMS at any time. Text ‘WLSU 1’ for damages of 1 million, ‘WLSU 2’ for 2 million, and so on to 38434687.
Anyway onto our first segment, ‘Rajneeti Mein Rajya Kam’. Votes have been made by the most important people: all the Khans, their children as well as the Big Bs. We eagerly await results of voting by Feroz Khan and Raj Kapoor.
[muffled yelling on anchor’s headphone]
My apologies, those people are dead or presumed missing. However they probably still exist on voter lists around the country, and probably proxy-voted for by 10 year old Rampyaari. Given such awesome voting mechanisms, it is little wonder that..
[scuffling sounds from outside the studio, yelling on headset]
Hold on, someone appears to have stormed our show…
[yelling as big crowd breaks stuff and rampages in]
[Leader of pack] “Aye, yeh sab band karo! Kya chal raha hai idhar? Mujhe bahar sab sunayi de raha tha, tum desh ki sanskriti ko badnaam kar rahe the. Pata hai desh mein aadmi-aadmi shaadi karne lage hain, lekin aurat toh ghar mein rehni chahiye. Kitna achcha tha apna desh, jab yahan computers bhi nahi the.. ”
[Screen goes blank. Tata Sky poster ad comes on, with voice-over by anchor]
Sorry for the interruption. Please note that with Tata Sky there can be no interruptions. Given the chance of legal/destructive action, I am retracting what I just said, and re-affirming faith in the Indian voting system that needs proof that you are not dead to let you vote, and more importantly needs you to exist in myriad Government ledgers – which is somehow easily done by millions of fake voters. Remember the Indian government needs to ensure that you are not a parallel dimensional being or an alien attempting to take over an Indian’s body.
We will attempt to continue in a few weeks time. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Not as good as I was hoping. To be continued..