kurtosis

Aside

So I just mentioned this to the missus:

A thought just occurred to me: that ‘kurtosis’ is a fine name for a child.

I give you — Kurtosis Venkatesh Swaminathan. Kurtosis Singh. Kurtosis Ray. Kurtosis Naageshwara Sreeranganatha Reddy.

I know. It really really works.

Said kid would be called ‘Kurt’ for short.

‘Kurtu’, lovingly even.

Ah, but wait.

While ‘Kurtu baby’ or ‘Kurtu baba’ is a fine “pet” name.. it also sounds suspiciously like ‘Kirtu’.

As in, Kirtu.com1.

Plan: canceled.

1. Regular readers of this site will recognize this highly NSFW link to those esteemable writers of the classic ‘Savita Bhabhi’. With a still-active paywall, which means their business model is actually working quite well.

p.s. It’s not a “true” entry to The Weekly Writing Challenge; Power of Names, and I hit ‘Publish’ without actually reading what theirs was this week (seriously, what a coincidence!). But it’s close enough to the topic, so I’m counting it.

dhinak dhinak din-dainik tamasha!

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Hello everyone, and welcome to ‘Dainik Tamasha’. Please welcome Jaan Satwinder!

[Woman of indeterminate age, dressed in a sari, walks in. Namaste to audience while keeping every part of her body and head covered – just in case.]

Hello everyone! Before we begin the show I would like to inform anyone who still watches this show after it has been off-air for 10 weeks that the Dainik Tamasha has nothing whatsoever to do with ‘The Daily Show‘. For one, the name of the show and the host are different, as is the color of the background, and we will definitely not talk about any news broadcasts in a disparaging manner. Well, not any more anyway. After our first episode, we were sued by all the newschannels for using their own footage to appreciate the news. I have to say ‘appreciate’ because I got sued personally when I said ‘made fun of’ the last time. I should not have brought up Barkha Dutt during the Mumbai attacks, Rakhi Sawant’s slap or even pigeons as examples of the fine reporting in India.

A humble request is being made to Comedy Central: please don’t sue us. Or take out ads disclaiming intellectual property on the matter. You should know by now that intellect has little to do with Indian television. Another extended break while the courts put a stay order on the show, have a stay order put on the first one, then have a preliminary hearing in which a stay order is put on putting stay orders… will mean we cannot attract advertisers to sell key catch phrases like the IPL. If you do have to sue (not like Aparna sewing machines, where things once sown must be worn) us anyway, our lawyer is availabe via SMS at any time. Text ‘WLSU 1’ for damages of 1 million, ‘WLSU 2’ for 2 million, and so on to 38434687.

Anyway onto our first segment, ‘Rajneeti Mein Rajya Kam’. Votes have been made by the most important people: all the Khans, their children as well as the Big Bs. We eagerly await results of voting by Feroz Khan and Raj Kapoor.
[muffled yelling on anchor’s headphone]
My apologies, those people are dead or presumed missing. However they probably still exist on voter lists around the country, and probably proxy-voted for by 10 year old Rampyaari. Given such awesome voting mechanisms, it is little wonder that..
[scuffling sounds from outside the studio, yelling on headset]
Hold on, someone appears to have stormed our show…
[yelling as big crowd breaks stuff and rampages in]

[Leader of pack] “Aye, yeh sab band karo! Kya chal raha hai idhar? Mujhe bahar sab sunayi de raha tha, tum desh ki sanskriti ko badnaam kar rahe the. Pata hai desh mein aadmi-aadmi shaadi karne lage hain, lekin aurat toh ghar mein rehni chahiye. Kitna achcha tha apna desh, jab yahan computers bhi nahi the.. ”

[Screen goes blank. Tata Sky poster ad comes on, with voice-over by anchor]

Sorry for the interruption. Please note that with Tata Sky there can be no interruptions. Given the chance of legal/destructive action, I am retracting what I just said, and re-affirming faith in the Indian voting system that needs proof that you are not dead to let you vote, and more importantly needs you to exist in myriad Government ledgers – which is somehow easily done by millions of fake voters. Remember the Indian government needs to ensure that you are not a parallel dimensional being or an alien attempting to take over an Indian’s body.

We will attempt to continue in a few weeks time. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Not as good as I was hoping. To be continued..

in other news

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soundarya rajnikanth believes

Animation abroad is considered as important as live action. For example, Shrek and Mission Impossible were appreciated and welcomed there. But this is not the case in India. I told myself, why don’t I make one? Someone has to take the initiative and do it.

m:i is animation ! i knew tom cruise was acting weird with the whole acting bit. then of course,

Appa is God to me. He is known for his style, mannerisms and gimmicks. If he could do so much in live action, imagine what he could do with animation? The sky is the limit. In Sultan too he does a lot of gimmicks.

hence, sultan: the warrior, written by rajnikanth, based on troy and gladiator, will go berserk at the box office.

according to this, the next adi-srk film to hit the marquee will have

The female lead will be a newcomer, to be chosen by a talent hunt competition

prepare for the madness, india. especially in terms of SMSes. here’s an idea. the first person to send 20000 SMSes to the pre-verified number(at rs. 5 an SMS only) shall be awarded the part.. by dint of having financed the film.

in fact, that sounds like an awesome idea for a film financing scheme 2000 SMSes in exchange for you appearing in the film for your requisite 2 minutes of fame. c’mon people. lets make this happen. all your dreams can come true !

kaboom barabar kaboom

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Mickey did not know what was to hit him that evening. After all, in the last 14 years, ‘McClane’ had gone to ‘Mickey’. The problem of hanging out with Ricky was that everyone else’s name started sounding like his. And Ricky was no stranger to ‘doing his own thing’. With his dad walking around in his feathered hat, strumming a double handed guitar tunelessly…it was all he could do not to bring the place down around him.

And to think the day had started with that song and dance about how life, love and everything else was just a big dance. And those pouty females wearing shapeless dresses…bliss pure bliss. Amazing, the things that people ended up doing while just walking around.

So, when Mickey was called in to take Sattu-the-scary-hairy hacker, he had to take Ricky along. Once they had blown up half the neighbourhood, fallen down 4 buildings (luckily all at the same time), and managed to sing a serenade to those two booty shaking females…it was time to hit the road. Unfortunately the females wouldn’t come along – not due to the lack of tickets – quoting the immortal lines:

Mujhe ticket nahi, Thukral chahiye.

Eventually, they reached the CIA headquarters. And found that due to a cross-connection (caused by all that damn hacking that was going on nowadays), the place they had been sent to was the Cow Incense Association. Apparently some kind of replacement for incense, which was environmentally friendly. And the fact that people may not want to burn cow-based products had possibly escaped their attention. Then, of course, they realized they’d ended up in Bhatinda instead of Washington.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (in Washington), the real CIA realized that they were on the brink of world collapse, due to some of the engineers finally believing the popups that flashed on their ultracool mind-controlled touch screens. The uppermost thoughts on their minds had finally taken over. And they needed Sattu to get them back on track. He was scary enough to make one want to never sing and dance again, after all. Continue reading